Nutty is Barely Alive

Nutty is still hanging on. Unbelievably, his little heart is still pumping away while everything else in his dear little body is closing down.

I am heartbroken. I wonder if I will ever feel whole and happy again without my darling dearest friend, supporter and greatest fan to cheer me on.

Even as he is dying he is no trouble, hardly bleeding, not heaving or having fits. Just quietly lying down, his head at a strange angle to his body underneath my bed.

I went out to see the homeopath earlier and when I came in Nutty wasn’t in the sitting room where I left him. Boyfriend on a Short Fuse came down and ran around asking `where is Nutty!’

Like Lazarus he had risen from his deathbed and staggered into my bedroom where he collapsed and is still lying down.

So we are all in limbo. We went to see Richard the homeopathic vet, fully expecting him to do the deed. Only for him to say that he doesn’t do the injections (the injections! I call it, so light and easy sounding for something so enormous), but that he would give us some homeopathic remedy to hasten his passing. Which we have duly been giving him on the hour, but the little man’s heart remains as strong as ever.

Richard said it is better for dogs to die in their sleep as the injection is not as easy as it sounds, problems finding veins, etc. But, he added, if he was still alive in the morning it would be the kindest thing to take him to the vet. And so we are blessed with one more night with the beloved.

I don’t know if it is worse for it all to be dragging out. He is really lost to us now anyway, as Boyfriend on a Short Fuse said, a vegetable, although I know he knows me. He even wagged his tail once for me when I stroked him this morning (was it this morning or this afternoon, I can’t remember). He doesn’t seem to be in discomfort but obviously transition is difficult for man and beast.

Our homeopath is very enlightened and so perceptive. She is physic as I suspected, hence her very penetrating comments and questions. She is terrific and just gets to the crux of everything. I explained about BOASF and she asked why I stayed with him. Well, habit, love, because he is helpful, indispendsable in many ways. `Why don’t you just hire a handyman?’ she asked reasonably when I had said how wonderful it was that he had sent off for a very long hose on Amazon which will water the whole roof garden in minutes.

Today he crossed the line again. I forgot the leads and he rounded on me, heaping abuse, called me a beep, beep, beep (email me for details of unmentionable word) 3 times. Later he said he didn’t call me a beep, but said that I behaved like a beep. Well I don’t really see the difference. Yes he is impossible, and we don’t have respect for each other and desperately need a break. But I can’t go through this time alone and so I am grateful for that.

I is staying tonight. She is good company and a new friend. Very kind and intuitive. It is lovely to have the support of a fellow dog lover who has lost beloved companions. BOASF had gone back to his place. So quite a nice day if it wasn’t for all this.

The homeopath explained that grief comes in waves… it’s true, I am shocked that on the way back from not killing our dog at the vet, with Nutty in my arms I can be thinking about reading the electricity meter and what to cook for dinner. As if anything else matters a jot. And yet life goes on. At least Nutty is going before me. He would have hated it if I had left him. And so he is leaving me, utterly heartbroken. I hope and long to love again. I will miss the love.